2024 was the year I thought was going to be it for me, and my marriage, so much had happened prior to 2024 that I felt I was just ready to give up, then she died. My whole world collapsed in front of me; I could no longer call and talk to her or tell her about the things going on. A few weeks later, after her service, a trip to Pennsylvania, watching them place her in the ground, I discovered a drug that made me happy, opened me up to things I never had thought of before, things that I learned could possibly fix my marriage as well. So not only could I feel numb and not feel these emotions that I did not want to feel, but I could also fix my terrible broken marriage. Yes! Sign me up. Every weekend, Friday and Saturday night, up all weekend no sleep, having a beautiful time with my husband. I had not felt so alive, so free of everything. Several months went by, my birthday passed, here comes his birthday. Let's do something else, he had been bugging me a while, no, no, no I knew, I just knew what would happen. Yes, it sure did, we did something else, yes hook, line and sinker. This was my downfall, I realized several months in, I was hooked. By the end of 2024, I realized what a mistake I had made. Behind on all my bills, no food, up for days on end, working 40 hours a week on barely any sleep. Then I went on lunch one day, laid down for 30 minutes, next thing I know its 4:30. Time to clock out. I messed up. I did this 17 years ago and knew what it was for me then. I swore I would never touch it again. But I did. I only had a few months with it, yet I will deal with the repercussions it caused for much longer. I should have died several times, I still could be looking at potential health problems, The Good Lord was with us both, knowing we would get to where we are today.

2024 Did a lot of damage to not only me, but my health. I have had a lot of years I can look back on and say, yeah that year changed me, or yeah, I did a lot that year. I can confidently say 2024 was IT, 2024 was THE year I had sunk to an all-time low, and instead of looking to God, I looked to drugs, I didn't even have access to them, but Infront me of, yeah, I wanted to feel numb, I did not want to feel what I was feeling. Soon as I realized, I couldn't feel, it was on. I opened up more than I realize but felt nothing. At the time, I thought this was also a way to fix my broken marriage, I wanted to save my marriage. It worked for a time, we opened up, we loved each other like never before, then we went on to harder things, and it got worse. Not only was I numb, but now I hated my life, things were getting violent, verbally, things were being said, I couldn't take back, I couldn't not hear again. Things I very well thought, I wanted to walk out on, I couldn't handle it, but I couldn't stop either. It had a hold of me, Satan had a hold of me, and it was almost too late. Everyday more and more, ignoring my bills that were due, ignoring my kids, food. I let it all go.

I grew up in a broken home, a broken family, broken parents, I was given away into this. I lost the only man I thought loved me at a young age.  Little did I know Jesus had a plan for me. It started with my birth. He knew my plan before me, he knew the kids I would have, the men I would marry, before I did. He knew what I would do before I did, He set my life up so parallel to the person he had matched up for me, it could not have been a better match, it took 20 years of mental, emotional, verbal and some physical abuse, to get where we are. It was a road most would not have gone down or looked at. We hurt each other, lied to each other, deceived each other, all in front of our kids. I did, I turned into exactly who I said I never would. But He had a plan.